When I found out I was pregnant again, I was ecstatic. Well, actually, I didn’t believe it at first. I used one of those pregnancy tests with the two lines, and drove around the corner to the Rite-Aid to purchase on with words, just to be sure. It came up with the exact same result, so then I got uber-excited! We’re having a baby!!!
My excitement lasted for quite a while, but there were moments when it turned into something else: a combination of nervousness, doubt and worry. When it was time for our ultrascreen, I was nervous for the results. After all, it was 5 years ago, during that test, that we found out we were at high risk for Trisomy 13 or 18. It wasn’t lost on me that this baby was due the day after Caleb’s due date, so I was going through everything at the same time I went through it with Caleb. Great (not really).
When we got the results back that everything looked great, I was relieved. And I really enjoyed my pregnancy, for about 2 more months. As I approached the 20 week appointment, I began to get nervous again. It wasn’t your normal “butterflies in your stomach” nervousness. It was more of a nervous fear, a what if, gut-wrenching nervousness where all I could say was, “Lord, please don’t let this have the same outcome as the last time.” After all, it was at the 20 week appointment that we learned our baby boy had passed. I knew I couldn’t handle it again.
Then, out of the blue, I got a text message from a friend from my church. She was just encouraging me and praying for me, and she had no idea the turmoil I was enduring from my inner monologue. Her text was right on time, reminding me that God is in control, always looking out for His children. In that moment of reading that text, I felt a tremendous peace come over me, and I was no longer worried about the appointment (which turned out to be fantastic, and we learned we were having a baby girl).
Here’s what I know: I know that I serve a loving, living God, who looks out for His children. I know that He cares for the things that concern us, even when it feels like we are alone, He is always there. And I know that He ordained this baby girl for such a time as this. Sometimes it feels like we are on our own, and we wonder where God is in the midst of our pain and struggles. The reality is that God is always there, and has the most awesome ways of reminding you of that. For me, it was that text message. For you, it could be a phone call, an email, an unexpected visitor. Whatever it is, remember that God is always speaking, you just have to be open to hearing.